the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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