I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize