"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
