im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
of course. lets lasso hookers.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
