I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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