Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
