So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
