I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
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