OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
