Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
