I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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