Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
