I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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