I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
