How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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