Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
