I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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