in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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