I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
