I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
