4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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