I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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