at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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