so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
