you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she woke up with a sticky ear
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
