I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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