Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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