Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
It's shark week go big or go home
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
