Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
