I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
you had me at cake vodka
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize