we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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