Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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