i need an iv and a liver transplant
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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