I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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