You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
being pregnant is like rehab
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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