Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
