it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
