There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
