found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
