i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
