i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
