Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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