oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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