I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
you made out with another girl for some wings
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize