i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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