She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
