you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
