She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
