I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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