I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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