just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Every concussion has its silver lining
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
