Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
