me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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