Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Randomize
