It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize