I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
