I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
