Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
