I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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