I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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