either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize