Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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