I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
