8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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