i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Blood and glitter go together right?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
