i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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