He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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