You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
