I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
