I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
