Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
