Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
